☂why?

why do i feel more emotion and sadness when a friend tells me that their grandfather has cancer and is going to die than when i get the phone call that my own great grandmother whom i loved dearly is going to die, also from cancer? Why is it so hard for me to be sad for the people that i love when it is so easy for me to be sad for people i don't even know? 

why hasn't my dad called me? i haven't talked to him since christmas!

why am i so scared of everything? i appear strong on the outside, or maybe i just think i do. but really i am soooo not! i push people away when they get too close. and yet i am trying to get people to know the real me so i am just setting myself up for disaster! i want someone to love me but i am so scared that they will hurt me if i let them in...like my dad did. He left this huge hole in me and i am trying to fill it but i don't know what to fill it with. 

i could go on but i might just kill myself if i let myself realize all of the things that are bugging me. don't worry i wont though.

yours,

a dancer.