Death

When I think, or thought i guess, of death, it was always my great grandmother or my distant aunt or someone that had lived a good life or someone that I never even knew that well. Now all I can think of is him, PJ. The boy that grew up into a man who I always looked up to. We were young, to me we were immortal. He is a part of most of the memories I have of my favourite place on the earth. I see him everywhere here; bending over the pool table downstairs with a pool cue, eating a sandwich in the kitchen after helping papa and uncle mark out in the yard, delivering papers to various different houses and businesses, bounding down the stairs at the call of his name "PEEEG", spending hours with me on his trampoline that took up half the backyard, bowling at the lanes, seeing a movie at the tiny town mall, eating at my favourite restaurant, running around and around the hall playing hide and seek, grounders at the lake, leading me to the swimming pool. I just don't know how to move past this when he is so alive in my mind still... 

☂if only

My house is so stressful right now. I cannot stand it much longer. i feel like I am going to throw up sometimes because I am so worried or stressed about my parents. It is so hard. This week has been horrible. I can usually handle stress. But not this time apparently. I cannot focus. My homework is suffering because of it. I am actually handing in assignments late... it's not like me! I just can't seem to stay on task when there is always a new development. S has started drinking. My mum goes out for coffee often because she cannot handle the pressure either. My body is actually feeling the effects of the stress. I can't eat like I usually do. I am not hungry often. I know I should eat but I do not want to. S lost 15 lbs just this week because she is not eating pretty much anything at all. I am so worried for her. I need a night off. To get away. Just one would be fine. That's all I ask right now. All of the material things I want right now are just to distract me from this all. I am spending money to keep myself happy... it's sad really. None the less I am getting a camera possibly next weekend. I just want to be able to leave the house with the excuse that I am going to go experiment with my camera. I don't wish this never happened... but I do wish it was over with already. I just wanted this summer to be amazing. Because it was supposed to be.

yours,
a dancer.

☂Alexander McQueen

I just found out that McQueen hung himself... I am not entirely sure if this is 100% true or not but it makes it all the more sad! He was brilliant! His clothes, although mostly not worn by everyday people, were works of art! They were revolutionary. I will be honest, before he died I did not know much about him or his clothes. I had heard the name but that was pretty much it... but now I see that the world has lost yet another brilliant artist! I guess they are all too good for what our world can offer. Like Van Gogh.
I just wish that people could see the beauty in the world and the hope. There is nothing in this world that is worth ending your life over. It is all fixable.
Maybe he thought that he had completed his work... I do not know.

yours,
a dancer.

☂Grave of the Fireflies

I finished Grave of the Fireflies. It was amazing. Depressing, but amazing. I can't even begin to understand what it would be like. To be them. I would not survive. It made me cry. But then again if it doesn't make you cry there is something wrong with you. Seriously! It was so real.
The only thing I hated about it was that I could only find it in english and the girl's voice is a little irritating. But I got used to it. I like subtitles better. But it was way better than nothing.

yours,
a dancer.

☂it's been a while

i haven't really posted about my screwed up family and bummed all you guys out in a while so here i go:p

Still haven't talked to my dad since Christmas. And I fully recognise that I could call him and be the bigger person. Part of me really wants to do that but then I get mad again that he hasn't taken the time to call me.
Sometimes I just wish that I had a "normal" family. But then again most of the families that I loved to be around cause they were so "normal" ended up having problems too. Some worse than mine:(

I really hope that my sisters and brother are doing ok!
I haven't even been emailing the oldest of them that much anymore:( she's not the best at the emailing. She just got it so she hasn't quite gotten the hang of it:(

ew some commercail just came one

and one of the guys names is literally Jobo!!!!!!

This summer I am going out to see them all and I really hope I don't get as bummed out as I did last year when I found out that my step mother tells them that I don't love them and that the only reason I go to see them is to spy on them and report back to my mom
Retarded right?

ARG
man
i need to go cry
i need like a really reliable person to like lean on!
GOD I AM TIRED OF BEING THE DEPENDABLE, REASONABLE, RESPONSIBLE ONE!!!!!!!


yours,
a dancer.

☂Family is coming in tonight!

R is coming to visit tonight!!! She will be here all weekend, that's not long enough:( But I will deal. I love it when she visits. She is like my cool young aunt that buys me trendy things that weird out my mother:P
It is an awesome time! She is actually coming because her best friend is getting married and the fiance is from here and is having the wedding social here. So she is staying with us and driving to where the social is tomorrow night. Mom is going with her. But then they come back in the morning. So it's not that bad. I don't get to spend that much time with her but at least I get to see her:)
Next week on wednesday mom is flying to visit her for a week since her stay is so short. Damn school prevents me from going too:( That and heritage fair! My own mother is missing my heritage fair provincials:P But at least the whole gang is coming out to see me:)

yours,
a dancer.

☂woah

I can't believe it's may!!!

It seems like just yesterday I was having a crying fit at my nana and papa's farm at Christmas time when they had to leave to go to a wedding and I knew I wouldn't see them until summer. Well summer is almost here! And I can't wait to see them! I miss them soooo much!

I can't wait for that one week at the lake! That one week that is always fun and never stressful. I can just be there. And love it. Hang out with my friend and my sisters and brother and whoever else decides to join us. All of the little kids digging holes in the sand and getting us "big kids" to make it deeper when their arms become to short to reach any farther. Swimming in the questionable water and not caring. Playing grounders until we get so good at it the person who is it is running around the playground knowing every part of it off by heart, even with their eyes closed. Going sailing and me freaking out about how much the boat tilts when it turns. And when I finally settle down, eating peanuts right out of the shells and throwing them overboard to see whose can land in the perfect position to make a boat. Getting burnt every year! (one year it was a second degree burn:S) 

This all might sound little and stupid. but it is my life. The life I love. Well one of them anyways. That and farmlife. I am thinking that living on a vinyard in paris for a while would be fun! God i miss the simple life!

yours,

a dancer.

☂the dad...almost

My dad still has not called. 

Instead he (mostly my sisters and brother) sent me an easter gift (chocolate) and so... I have to be the one that makes the first call. My mom says that I have to. I think I might try to do it so that it is at a time that my dad and the step mother will not be home. Because it is really only for the benefit of my sisters and brother. 

I wish it didn't have to be this way. That he thought to call me. It has been 3 and a half months after all... since I have talked to him. It used to be so easy. For him and for me. I guess he just can't accept that he can't have me if he does not pay for me. Or at least assist in paying for me. He didn't use to pay child support. So i was just the daughter who he could have when he wanted her and he never really had to take responsibility for. It is depressing really. 

I really don't want to loose my sisters and brother over this though! They are all so amazing! And I love them so much! I really hope that they can see that... even though my step mother tells them that i hate them on a regular basis. I hope they see that that is not true! 

Man, life is messed up sometimes!

I always see families that have a mom and a dad and I am kind of jealous. Of they way they function. The way they love each other. How stable and cute they all are together. I have two great parents... my mom and S. but the father figure has never really been there. I guess he has in a distant way. I used to see him every second weekend and on holidays. But still it's not the same. I mean, I didn't even meet him until I was 5. Which I guess is better than never meeting him at all. But sometimes I wonder. I know that I wouldn't be as well off as i am now. With the private school and all. Although my dad says that he will never pay for my private school since "his" kids (as if i am not one of them) don't go to private school. but what he doesn't understand is that the schools in this city suck compared to that of the one he lives in!!! They really do! I am sorry but it is true! My private school is above their school but not by an extensive amount. 

I have a pretty good life I guess. 

I hate that I can't get really rally mad at him. It's all I need. But I keep on talking myself out of it. Reasoning myself out of it. Telling myself that i have a good life and I have no reason to be sad or mad. Which is true and I believe it. But sometimes I just really want to get mad at him! And I can't because I am just too damn reasonable! 

I hope that he can eventually swallow his pride and call me. Or take responsibility for me... but that is probably asking too much.

yours,

a dancer

☂Last night

Last night I woke up at 5 in the morning crying. For the stupidest reason in the world. It was just a dream, but after I woke up I just kept crying. I couldn't stop. It evolved into a whole different thing and all of a sudden I am completely fucking pissed off at my father and I am balling. I finally fall back asleep though.

I feel better now though. I have to cry every once and a while, or else I would be pissed off all the time. My father is a fuck-tard. 

A made me feel better though! We made pisanka!!!! (Ukrainian easter eggs) They were awesome!!!! She is amazing at it!! Her brother is too though! mine are so lame!!! They don't even look Ukrainian though. Mom says it's because I'm not Ukrainian. I wish I was! The language is so cool! This is a picture of my pisankas. they are so random!

yours,

a dancer.

☂why?

why do i feel more emotion and sadness when a friend tells me that their grandfather has cancer and is going to die than when i get the phone call that my own great grandmother whom i loved dearly is going to die, also from cancer? Why is it so hard for me to be sad for the people that i love when it is so easy for me to be sad for people i don't even know? 

why hasn't my dad called me? i haven't talked to him since christmas!

why am i so scared of everything? i appear strong on the outside, or maybe i just think i do. but really i am soooo not! i push people away when they get too close. and yet i am trying to get people to know the real me so i am just setting myself up for disaster! i want someone to love me but i am so scared that they will hurt me if i let them in...like my dad did. He left this huge hole in me and i am trying to fill it but i don't know what to fill it with. 

i could go on but i might just kill myself if i let myself realize all of the things that are bugging me. don't worry i wont though.

yours,

a dancer.

☂Crying:'(

So crying... I tend to do it a lot. Which is good most of the time because it's not really sadness about life because it is usually about a book that I am reading. I cried last night, because of my book. It is so good but really depressing at some points. It is so sweet though. That's why I cried. Why do I cry when it's not happening to me? I don't know but I guess it's cause in some really mineut way I relate to the characters and I cry for them. It sounds lame. I know this because I sound lame often but that's ok! I am feeling better now! So i am not depressed! lol loves! like the diaper! no not really lates!

yours,

a dancer.

☂A Great Read!

If you want to cry like you've never cried before, then you should read this book! It made me see the world how it really is. It is called Night by Elie Wiesel. Here is my favorite quote from it: "Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, that turned my life into one long night seven times sealed. Never shall I forget that smoke. Never shall I forget the small faces of children whose bodies I saw transformed into smoke under a silent sky. Never shall I forget those flames that consumed my faith forever. Never shall I forget the nocturnal silence that deprived me for all eternity of the desire to live. Never shall I forget those moments that murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to ashes. Never shall I forget thos things, even were I condemned to live as long as God Himself. Never." -Elie Wiesel (Night)

yours,

a dancer.