i dont know

Sometimes I just open this page up and stare at the blank-ness of the page, I don't know how to put some of the things inside of me into words. Even if it's not that important or if it's really important to say out loud, or write.
Sometimes I think that my blog is a little bit of a security blanket for me. I've had it for years and for years I have told it things I would never say to people. Somehow the thought of people reading my thoughts doesn't scare me as much as me having to say them. It's really no different. The point is still there, the words are still true. 

I want to get away

I want to get away

and see things so overwhelming

so impossible and unbelievable

to my current mind.

I want to get away

and experience the moment

where you cannot find your breath 

in all of the beauty.

I want to get away

and be a part of something

bigger

not what I am used to. 

im still so angry

I really dont know what to do with myself right now. I am excited about summer and going to el salvador on thursday! but fucking hell my mind wont get out of the dark places right now.
and then i feel worse because really i have it pretty good. and it's never myself im hoping and wishing is happy. 

hmmm

sometimes i wonder if anyone ever actually reads my blog. Other than the select few of my friends that want to know what's a happenin in my mind...

I really doubt it :P
I'm not all that interesting

dammit

don't you hate when you make a promise to yourself and you give yourself a specific time you need to do it and then you chicken out. yep.
I had such bad anxiety though~

going to a party tonight

how mad you think my mum would be if i got wasted... 

un-escapable emotions

Girls always have those days when they feel like shit. When they feel like crying for the littlest or biggest things randomly during the day. When they feel so ugly no one can convince them different. When the things that they usually handle pretty calmly or reasonably are suddenly too much for them. I feel like a lot of girls I know are having a lot of these days lately. Today was difficult, to say the least. I felt kind of invisible and because of that my jokes got louder and worse, but yet more attention grabbing. I think that people probably think I try too hard sometimes to be noticed. Maybe that's true, but I am only trying not to disappear completely. All girls feel like this sometimes. We all have our different coping mechanisms and we all hide behind different things. I hide behind humour. Maybe a little too often. I just like making people happy. I want my friends to be happy, and I know how much of a downer it is to tell them everyday about all the things that I am struggling with and for them to do the same. I love listening to what my friends are going through. I love being there for them, but sometimes we need to pretend that everything is okay, and some days it is harder to pretend than others. 

The L Word! :O

I have become a woman obsessed.
My entire 4 DAY WEEKEND has turned into watching The L Word from the start. I am currently on season 2 and I am in love. Not only with shane :P The cast is beautiful and the show is just what I needed right now. Makes me want an adorable girlfriend like some of these girls like crazy though. Maybe I'll build up the courage to go out and get her someday, whoever she may be. I'm a really big mess right now, if nothing else I'd like to have someone to come over and cuddle with me while I rant to them about my angsty teenage drama.
Anyways, The L Word is amazing, and if you haven't seen it. Then see it. It is really hot ;)

ug

i feel fat today.
even though i know im not
i just feel bleh
and all soft and gushy
ew

jasmin introduced me to her bun

I put it back in when i got home... and i haven't taken it out. this is not a good thing i suspect. because i look ridiculous but i love having no hair anywhere on my face or neck and its all at the top of my head and lols everywhere
Tomorrow the school is taking us to see jane eyre in theaters. pretty excited actually. i love that book!
Ive been feeling really lonely lately. Probably because i am.
and I realized i have three real friends that i actually trust and know me well. I guess that's enough. but they are three individual friends, it's not like we are all a unit. so it feels like less somehow.

thoughts

write your essay
write your essay
write your essay
facebook
blogger
laundry
write your essay
focus
focus
focus
focus
damn. 

question

how will i ever fall out of love with you when you are just so damn lovable?
you don't make it easy. 

it is so much easier to pretend when you can't see me. 

I do not regret

I do not regret anything that happened. Although there were one or two very specific incidents I could have lived without, as a whole, I love what we had. I understand why we can't have that anymore though. It just sucks shit. I know that I'm not losing my best friend but I'm losing "us" and fuck I wish I didn't have to. But no. I understand. It's understandable. It's all so fuckin reasonable. You have your head on your shoulders and you are so rational. I feel so irrational.
I love you to the moon and back. Don't forget that, because I wont. 

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

when you feel like fucking screaming your head off

... but you can't

FUCK

and yet i can't be mad. so i cry.

one month

;D
ooo baby

btw

im not hating my hair as much as before...
i was freaking out
it's going to be okay.
i can learn to like it.

is it so bad to feel sorry for yourself once and a while?

i miss the old me.