☂when does the mask come off?

You know that feeling of sadness when you have pretty much nothing to be sad about? The one that you can never figure out completely? Well I have that. I have no clue why... which is to be expected since I previously explained that it is one of the conditions of the sadness. I guess you could call it more of a melancholy feeling. Maybe it's because father's day is so close... I still haven't talked to him since christmas. I don't know if I can anymore. I know that if I call him and hear his voice I will act like everything is ok and the hang up and be angry at myself for not saying what I feel not telling him that he is my problem, screaming at him for not being here for me! Maybe this is why I love to read and watch movies so much. A moment of living someone else's life to let me escape from this. I am too reasonable for feelings! I feel mad and then I tell myself that it's not his fault and I believe it. I BELIEVE IT! Even though I don't want to I do! WTF!!!!!!!!!
My life is not bad. I have a lot of great things and people in it. But then why can I not get over this one thing? This one person who left a huge hole in my heart and I still have not found a way to fill it! I love people still. He has not found a way to take that from me. But not in the same why someone should love a person! I do and then I talk myself out of it. I tell myself that it is too early to let them in. I have friends. I have close friends but they don't know the me I want them to know. The one who thinks about serious things and is only loud because I am too afraid that no one will notice me if i'm not. When do people notice that all of this is just an act and that I want them to see the real me but they are going to have to see that I am not ready to do it myself. They have to push their way in! Some people in the world have huge problems in their life and yet the love and live freely! WHY CAN'T THAT BE ME?
I do not mean all of this as the love as in romantic although it is included it's everyone that I love.


yours,
a dancer.