I've had this thrill so many times...

I really don't know what to trust right now. My feelings that are taking over my brain, or my brain that tells me to talk everything out with everyone involved... bleh

going through the actions.

There are very few moments in which I feel alive lately. School is just me there robotically listening to everything around me and being around my friends is the same. The only time I feel alive is that rare time when somebody touches me, not out of joke or accident, but because they care or because they just feel the need to touch me. I guess it's not all people either. Only the ones that I know that touch counts from. The spontaneous hug that holds on too long because they know I don't want to let go. Those people who refuse to be isolated from what is in my mind. I am so thankful for those people, because without them, I would have no one. 

☂what depresses me the most

is not that lost the one that i think i quite possibly loved, it's that no one can understand because I can't tell anyone. My mum thinks that I am sick or something, my friends think I am overreacting over a girl that I barely knew (fyi I know her better than I have ever known anyone, and she knows me the same way. i didn't just recently meet her.), I am dating my best friend and I like that I feel completely safe with him because he would never hurt me, but i dont want to be exclusive with him because I am afraid I will just hurt him. No i know i will. I dont love him like he loves me. But I want to. He is makes me feel better, but when I am with him I do things just to make myself feel better. Feel something I guess.
I want to tell him how I feel. But I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to loose the only one I can talk to about anything. except this it seems.

yours,
a dancer.

☂and then the shit hit the fan.

I should be happy. I have people in my life that love me. I miss my friends. I miss.....
I shouldn't but I do.
I hate that I have a guy that is willing to give me the world and Im not ready to let him into my world.
This summer I dont want to have an actual boyfriend or girlfriend. I am fine with dating people but I need some freedom to find out what I want.
I am so tired.
Its so nice outside.
I should be happy. It's summer.

yours,
a dancer.

☂a day in the life of a total bitch

So basically I am the total bitch I speak of. I liked a guy, still kind of do, found potential in another guy, went out with him once kind of, not really a date. And then someone who I have liked for a while I find out likes me, and really these two boys i don't care nearly as much for as I do this other person. I wish I didn't hurt them but with either of the boys i was never official or anything but still. I led them on only to cut them off.
But I need to not be afraid to tell them I can't be with them because I want to be with this certain person. this person is to say the least, amazing.
this person is the most beautiful person and is super sweet. They are a little afraid of the whole situation but I have promised that we wont tell people until this person is good and ready. I really can't believe that it is happening though... I have been dreaming of this for god knows how long. I just wish I didn't hurt so many people in the process.

yours,
a dancer.

☂This is a different type of stuck in my head

I am quite literally stuck in my own head. I don't seem to notice the way that my friends are reacting to different things or what is going on in their lives. And this is not because I do not care about them. It is in a way because I do not want to care anymore though. I am doing that thing again where I get really close to people and then something happens and I back away because they feel too close. It is like I am claustrophobic to people knowing me too well. I never used to have this problem. I used to have a lot of different people who didn't even like me know only little bits about me. Not one or two people knowing every single detail and all the things that I am thinking. I am not sure I like being known so well because it means that... well I am not quite sure what it means, but I am scared of it. Sometimes I just want to sit my friends down and tell them everything I am thinking. But that is rare. Most of the time I just want to think threw my problems and be incredibly grumpy for a week or so.
I don't know what is happening anymore. or what to do about it.

yours,
a dancer.

☂if only

My house is so stressful right now. I cannot stand it much longer. i feel like I am going to throw up sometimes because I am so worried or stressed about my parents. It is so hard. This week has been horrible. I can usually handle stress. But not this time apparently. I cannot focus. My homework is suffering because of it. I am actually handing in assignments late... it's not like me! I just can't seem to stay on task when there is always a new development. S has started drinking. My mum goes out for coffee often because she cannot handle the pressure either. My body is actually feeling the effects of the stress. I can't eat like I usually do. I am not hungry often. I know I should eat but I do not want to. S lost 15 lbs just this week because she is not eating pretty much anything at all. I am so worried for her. I need a night off. To get away. Just one would be fine. That's all I ask right now. All of the material things I want right now are just to distract me from this all. I am spending money to keep myself happy... it's sad really. None the less I am getting a camera possibly next weekend. I just want to be able to leave the house with the excuse that I am going to go experiment with my camera. I don't wish this never happened... but I do wish it was over with already. I just wanted this summer to be amazing. Because it was supposed to be.

yours,
a dancer.

☂as promised.

I have not talked to my father since christmas. I swear to god that I can count the number of times that I talk to him in a year on two hands. He is my father god dammit! He should call or care or something! I should not have to sit in my room and cry over the fact that I have a father that does not care about me! I hate him so much sometimes. This is one of those night where I feel like calling him and screaming at him until he is crying as much as I am and then hanging up, but I am scared to do this. I know that once he picks up the phone I will melt and fall from my anger and he will go on not knowing how I feel. I don't know how much longer I will be able to hide my feelings from him but one day I am going to let go and all hell will break loose. How can I learn to trust people when I cannot even trust my own father! I am sick of crying over him when he does not deserve it! He is not worth my time! I hate him!
but at the same time I do not hate him. In fact I love him, he is my father how can I not love him. I think it's more accurate to say that I hate that I love him.
I hate that he does not even know who I am or what I love.
I just really need someone really close to me to rant to. I also need someone just to hold me while i cry... sounds cheesy.. but it would be nice to have someone care.

yours,
a dancer.

☂I WANT THIS!!!!!!!!

I really want a casual skirt for summer and I have a wrap skirt that is similar to this but it shrunk in the wash and now I cannot wear it without huge worries of a creepy man seeing things he should not!!! I found this one on etsy! And it is amazing! (click on the picture for the site)

It is so expensive though! and I do not have any way of getting it because I do not have a credit card :( I wish that I did though! Everything in my wardrobe would come from the internet if I did! There is much cuter things on the internet than at the mall :\ The mall is full of junk that I don't wear! gahhhhhh why must I hate all the things that are in the stores?!?!?

yours,
a dancer

☂xmas ideas!

I don't have a long list like I did last year! I have no clue what I would like from many people! I need some ideas. I mean I love jewelry! All bracelets pretty much! I really like this one that I found at Metalsmith's jewelers.

Other than this I found nothing I want. And I don't even need this... But it is pretty! I kinda want new clothes. But I need to be there to get those:P
My dad will probably pull the "your flight is your gift" card again... even though it is payed for with my nana's airmiles...
but w.e.
I don't know what to tell ppl!

yours,
a dancer.

☂if only

I wish that people didn't try and be your friend so hard when you know they talk shit behind your back. It makes me mad. And then feel bad for being mad. Because if they are that nice to your face, why would they be mean. But then they say something a little over the line of mean to your face. and you get it again.
I wish that people would stop being so damned fake! Be yourself! I know this is not who you are!

yours,
a dancer.

☂dilemma

I found a better blogging site that I never knew about before. I really want to use it instead but I can't seem to transfer my old blog onto it. And also then I will loose all of the blogger blogs that I follow and they wont be able to follow me:S

It is called Tumblr

check it out!

It's really cool!

What do you think I should do?

yours,

a dancer.

☂I wish

I wish that I could make you feel better when you are in that mood.
I wish that I knew how to make it all go away.
I wish that I could make other people understand that they are fucked sometimes.

I wish it was all possible
but it's not.

yours,
a dancer.

☂hello "dad"

So he finally phoned last night... well he had my sister phone so that he didn't have to talk to my mother. He is such a coward sometimes. It's not like she is going to bitch him out on the phone! Life seems all good on their end. But you never know. They seem to hide things from me... my oldest little sister has caught on though and keeps me informed. They have been fighting a little lately... nothing new from usual. Of course when I asked my father what was new he said same old... I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN 6 MONTHS! SAME OLD COULD BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I KNOW AS SAME OLD! NOTHING HAS CHANGED?!?!?! gawd...

I wish I coulda said it... 

Colleen already tried to lecture me on religion... i am like SHUT UP in my head... i hate her with a passion. 

Since when is it ok to not call your daughter for 6 months and then call her like nothing had changed and all is right with the world?

yours,

a dancer.

☂wake up a smell the bordom

Today is going to be one those days where you just lounge around the house. Don't get me wrong I love those days... but I have been having too many of them lately. haha. I need a life. I didn't want to get out of bed because I knew that my dream was more amusing than the day is going to be. Well I guess I could watch Wimbledon. haha. It seems like it was just on like yesterday but really it was like a year or so. oo house is on. Wow there is a commercial on that is for tape you put on yourself so you don't fall out of your top... why don't you just get a shirt that fits? haha The neighbors are getting their stucco fixed by some men next door. The dogs don't like them so they are barking a lot. It's irritating. Wow I like just got up and it's 1:00pm. I think I slept in too long.... haha. At least there are less hours to be bored in now:P That's kinda why it sucks to be an only child. If I had siblings (that lived with me) I mean yes they would be irritating but I would have someone to entertain myself. haha. I could make fun of them. And convince them that they are adopted. yay... someone interesting signed on msn... lets talk to them:) yours, a dancer.

☂Melancholy

Yesterday while talking to my sister on facebook she was joking around, making fun of me as usual. She refuses to believe that I am not a complete loser. haha she's a hoot. But she said something that was totally out of character and I really hate myself for it. She said that she misses me. She has never been one to show any love for her siblings. Not in the obvious way at least. Gawd it made me miss her and my other siblings! 

I really hope I can see them this summer! 

yours,

a dancer.

☂when does the mask come off?

You know that feeling of sadness when you have pretty much nothing to be sad about? The one that you can never figure out completely? Well I have that. I have no clue why... which is to be expected since I previously explained that it is one of the conditions of the sadness. I guess you could call it more of a melancholy feeling. Maybe it's because father's day is so close... I still haven't talked to him since christmas. I don't know if I can anymore. I know that if I call him and hear his voice I will act like everything is ok and the hang up and be angry at myself for not saying what I feel not telling him that he is my problem, screaming at him for not being here for me! Maybe this is why I love to read and watch movies so much. A moment of living someone else's life to let me escape from this. I am too reasonable for feelings! I feel mad and then I tell myself that it's not his fault and I believe it. I BELIEVE IT! Even though I don't want to I do! WTF!!!!!!!!!
My life is not bad. I have a lot of great things and people in it. But then why can I not get over this one thing? This one person who left a huge hole in my heart and I still have not found a way to fill it! I love people still. He has not found a way to take that from me. But not in the same why someone should love a person! I do and then I talk myself out of it. I tell myself that it is too early to let them in. I have friends. I have close friends but they don't know the me I want them to know. The one who thinks about serious things and is only loud because I am too afraid that no one will notice me if i'm not. When do people notice that all of this is just an act and that I want them to see the real me but they are going to have to see that I am not ready to do it myself. They have to push their way in! Some people in the world have huge problems in their life and yet the love and live freely! WHY CAN'T THAT BE ME?
I do not mean all of this as the love as in romantic although it is included it's everyone that I love.


yours,
a dancer.

☂still

fyi.... I am still sick:(
My mom has even mentioned that if I am not better in time for my recital I am not going... NOOOOOO
I have to go!
It is like the thing I have been working at for half the year on this stupid dance so I could go to this thing!
I am going!

I am starting Silence of the Lambs tonight... maybe tomorrow I am thinking now cause I am talking to the "bullfrog":P

Apparently I didn't miss all that much while staying home from school yesterday. Only yet another presentation on drugs. Which apparently was very touching and sad. I am glad I was not there I would have been bawling like a baby.

I really have not been blogging that much lately! I need to get back on that horse as it were:P

That imax thing was lame... I don't even think I mentioned that we were going but w.e. it was.

I have been thinking of my "father figure" sonnet that I wrote and the lemons and limes line... I hate it. I am thinking of a better thing. it will have something to do with rhymes, times, or signs? I don't know but it will be better.


yours,
a dancer.

☂the dad...almost

My dad still has not called. 

Instead he (mostly my sisters and brother) sent me an easter gift (chocolate) and so... I have to be the one that makes the first call. My mom says that I have to. I think I might try to do it so that it is at a time that my dad and the step mother will not be home. Because it is really only for the benefit of my sisters and brother. 

I wish it didn't have to be this way. That he thought to call me. It has been 3 and a half months after all... since I have talked to him. It used to be so easy. For him and for me. I guess he just can't accept that he can't have me if he does not pay for me. Or at least assist in paying for me. He didn't use to pay child support. So i was just the daughter who he could have when he wanted her and he never really had to take responsibility for. It is depressing really. 

I really don't want to loose my sisters and brother over this though! They are all so amazing! And I love them so much! I really hope that they can see that... even though my step mother tells them that i hate them on a regular basis. I hope they see that that is not true! 

Man, life is messed up sometimes!

I always see families that have a mom and a dad and I am kind of jealous. Of they way they function. The way they love each other. How stable and cute they all are together. I have two great parents... my mom and S. but the father figure has never really been there. I guess he has in a distant way. I used to see him every second weekend and on holidays. But still it's not the same. I mean, I didn't even meet him until I was 5. Which I guess is better than never meeting him at all. But sometimes I wonder. I know that I wouldn't be as well off as i am now. With the private school and all. Although my dad says that he will never pay for my private school since "his" kids (as if i am not one of them) don't go to private school. but what he doesn't understand is that the schools in this city suck compared to that of the one he lives in!!! They really do! I am sorry but it is true! My private school is above their school but not by an extensive amount. 

I have a pretty good life I guess. 

I hate that I can't get really rally mad at him. It's all I need. But I keep on talking myself out of it. Reasoning myself out of it. Telling myself that i have a good life and I have no reason to be sad or mad. Which is true and I believe it. But sometimes I just really want to get mad at him! And I can't because I am just too damn reasonable! 

I hope that he can eventually swallow his pride and call me. Or take responsibility for me... but that is probably asking too much.

yours,

a dancer

☂truth

how many people actually tell the truth?

I don't think there are many. 

People may speak the truth but not be truthful in what they do and how they do it. I know that I tell the truth. When asked the right questions of course. But I do not in my actions. There is only one person in the whole world who I am my complete self with and I trust with any secret I could possibly have. When I am with her I am who I want to be. And she is definitely stronger than me so she keeps me in line when I slip up with her disappointed looks. With most of my friends I am too loud, talk about boys too much. I was always the follower with my friends. But I am not anymore. I can say no when I need to and i dunno. I have the best group of friends ever. I am also afraid of losing them though because they are not really a part of my other group of friends and they don't really approve of some of the things they do. And some of the things I say. I don't want to loose them but I also want to keep the friends that they don't approve of sometimes. They all like each other. So that's all good. But sometimes I feel like if I say something to make one group laugh the other group will not like it. Or if I say something that is really me, the other group will think I am a total loser. Which I am. And I am proud of it! I don't give a shit that it is not cool that I have never been kissed. I want my first to mean something. It is something that is important to me. I also don't want to have sex until I fall in love. I don't care how long that takes. One night stands are not ever going to happen. And I don't care if I am in University and everyone else is doing it. 

The only problem is I am extremely competitive and this mostly applies to one particular friend... you know who you are. She is quite competitive too:S 

God I have no clue who I am.

yours,

a dancer.