Instead he (mostly my sisters and brother) sent me an easter gift (chocolate) and so... I have to be the one that makes the first call. My mom says that I have to. I think I might try to do it so that it is at a time that my dad and the step mother will not be home. Because it is really only for the benefit of my sisters and brother.
I wish it didn't have to be this way. That he thought to call me. It has been 3 and a half months after all... since I have talked to him. It used to be so easy. For him and for me. I guess he just can't accept that he can't have me if he does not pay for me. Or at least assist in paying for me. He didn't use to pay child support. So i was just the daughter who he could have when he wanted her and he never really had to take responsibility for. It is depressing really.
I really don't want to loose my sisters and brother over this though! They are all so amazing! And I love them so much! I really hope that they can see that... even though my step mother tells them that i hate them on a regular basis. I hope they see that that is not true!
Man, life is messed up sometimes!
I always see families that have a mom and a dad and I am kind of jealous. Of they way they function. The way they love each other. How stable and cute they all are together. I have two great parents... my mom and S. but the father figure has never really been there. I guess he has in a distant way. I used to see him every second weekend and on holidays. But still it's not the same. I mean, I didn't even meet him until I was 5. Which I guess is better than never meeting him at all. But sometimes I wonder. I know that I wouldn't be as well off as i am now. With the private school and all. Although my dad says that he will never pay for my private school since "his" kids (as if i am not one of them) don't go to private school. but what he doesn't understand is that the schools in this city suck compared to that of the one he lives in!!! They really do! I am sorry but it is true! My private school is above their school but not by an extensive amount.
I have a pretty good life I guess.
I hate that I can't get really rally mad at him. It's all I need. But I keep on talking myself out of it. Reasoning myself out of it. Telling myself that i have a good life and I have no reason to be sad or mad. Which is true and I believe it. But sometimes I just really want to get mad at him! And I can't because I am just too damn reasonable!
I hope that he can eventually swallow his pride and call me. Or take responsibility for me... but that is probably asking too much.
yours,
a dancer
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