☂change

So many things are changing in my world. My friend's lives. Mine.
I mean some of us, me included, have serious relationships. I mean what is that? When did that happen? Seems like just yesterday that we were all sitting in a circle hearing the stories from the one of us at the time that had a boyfriend, it didn't last all that long unfortunately, but we were still all entertained at the time by the stories! We were all dreaming about having that. Maybe even something better than it. And now some of us have it! How weird is that????
We are not grown up. We don't try to be. But we are actually thinking about someone else for once. How will they feel if we do this? Or how can I make them smile today? I love that Ish is so happy with ben! It is the cutest thing!
Even my friends that do not have boyfriends, they are different. No longer the ones who judge each other and who spread the rumors. Some of them never did this, but the ones that did don't anymore. For whatever reason. Or maybe there is just no gossip that interests them anymore:P Which is entirely possible! Even I used to gossip about certain things. But now, I am being a better friend. Not telling anyone anything that they do not need to know. Including things about myself.

My dad called a few nights ago... or should i say that he got my sister to call so that he didn't have to talk to my mother yet again... I mean it's not like she is going to bitch him out on the phone! She is not that kind of person. She is decent. He is scared of her... and I don't know why. At least he called this time... but still... when was the last time he called? um let's think. O yes I called them at my brother's bday. I don't think he has actually called here since summer.
What does it feel like to have a dad that is there for you? Please someone tell me! Because I have no fucking clue! And I don't think that I ever have. I used to think that he was there for me, he wasn't. He was there when it was convenient... for my step mother(monster). I hope that when I get married I can at least see what it is like for my children. I would hate for my father to be repeated in my husband, but I really doubt that that will happen. I stay away from anyone that reminds me of my father... and the one I am with now will be a great father, whether it is of my children, or of some other lucky woman's... because you never know and things could happen. I just hope those things dont happen.
At least I have the best mother a girl could ask for! Well I have the best two mothers anyone could ask for!
I complain a lot about my father, but it could be worse, and I tell myself that all of the time. But sometimes I just think, is it harder to have it within your grasp (a good father) than to never even have the chance? The constant torture? yes? no? I think the answer is probably no. I am too good at talking myself out of things. Out of the thinking I am bad off. Out of thinking I hate my father. Why is it so hard to be mad at him when i have no problem being pissed at my friends?

Life is complicated.

yours,
a dancer.