Death

When I think, or thought i guess, of death, it was always my great grandmother or my distant aunt or someone that had lived a good life or someone that I never even knew that well. Now all I can think of is him, PJ. The boy that grew up into a man who I always looked up to. We were young, to me we were immortal. He is a part of most of the memories I have of my favourite place on the earth. I see him everywhere here; bending over the pool table downstairs with a pool cue, eating a sandwich in the kitchen after helping papa and uncle mark out in the yard, delivering papers to various different houses and businesses, bounding down the stairs at the call of his name "PEEEG", spending hours with me on his trampoline that took up half the backyard, bowling at the lanes, seeing a movie at the tiny town mall, eating at my favourite restaurant, running around and around the hall playing hide and seek, grounders at the lake, leading me to the swimming pool. I just don't know how to move past this when he is so alive in my mind still... 

Boys and Baseball

Today was Trevor's 3rd birthday! I can't believe how fast the years go by. I remember when we moved into our house next to them and Cameron was just a month old, and now he's going into kindergarden! They are so cute :)

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happy fucking father's day

FUCK YOU AND YOUR LITTLE BITCH

Weddings

My mum got married yesterday! The wedding was the most beautiful thing ever and I am so happy for my mum and her new wife :) I was my mum's maid of honour so I stood up with her and cried my little eyes out!
Weddings always make me so happy, but my mum's wedding made me like crazy super happy! It is so great to see her so happy.
I loved seeing all the people I love most all in the same room and all there for my mum. It was just great.

I'm sure I will spam my blog with pictures once I get some from people. This even I didn't take pictures of, shocking :P I just sat back and took it all in and enjoyed it. 

I'm home from Florida

I think this christmas proved to be entirely more interesting than it was initially predicted to be! I had way too much fun in so many crazy ways! I did not take pictures like I promised! I was way too busy with amusement parks or with the ocean or with other things....
I went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter :3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
And of course it is the most magical place I have ever been :) It is beautifully done! And I bought a Ravenclaw scarf and a generally Hogwarts one :)
I also loved Busch Gardens. We went on a cold day (we had to buy mits and hats!) and there were like no lines! And there are like world famous roller coasters there! It was amazing!
On our last day we went to the ocean! I think it was the most pure fun we had the entire time. It was comparative even to the wizarding world! We just ran into the ocean and got soaked and stripped down into our bathing suits and ran around in them. I went swimming in the ocean in December! It was freaking freezing!!! We were crazy to go in but I managed to get both zander and anthony into the water. Not by myself of course though. Anthony didnt even have a bathing suit and his jeans were drenched! They looked like they weighed a ton!
I don't think I have smiled as much as I did that day in a very long time. It was like a dream the whole day. I was literally high on the ocean. Plus I was super confident in my little bathing suit. We have done so much walking these past few weeks that ive got to have lost weight! I am lookin good ;)
I got a lot of new clothes that I am in love with :3 including a new dress which I plan to wear on tuesday to my friend's birthday party.
...I get home and immediately have plans lol!
I'm such a socialite!
Other than the fact that most people annoy me it's a good thing!
Keeps me out of other trouble most of the time.
Off to eat the first home cooked meal in forever!
YUMMMM

well I am home... the literal one

I had a great time at the farm. Not anything too exciting happened, visited family and shopped and just spent comfortable silences with my papa and played with little baby cousins :3
I wish I lived there. In the small town where most of my family is. It is so nice there and I love the lifestyle. I think most of all it's the only stable place I've had in my life and once I get there I never want to leave.
I always cry when I leave. This time was in such a rush I didn't have time to think about it and I didn't... but now I am. I miss nana and papa already.

I got to see my favourite cousin of all haha. Ug he's so grown up now! He has his own apartment and he is in first year university! He had to break into his apartment when he showed me and nana it because he forgot his keys.... he climbed his balcony LOL
And the alcohol stash on the top of his fridge could send a 300 pound man into the hospital...

I will go back on my next long weekend. I don't mind missing things with my friends to go back... I'd rather spend time with my nana over anyone.

home :)

Im at the farm for the weekend! Ah i love it here

eventful weekend!

On thursday afternoon I went to see a movie with adriana. On friday night was Amanda's birthday party. It was fun. Dancing and chillin with all the peoples. Then today me and my friend hung out at his place and then i came home and the little boy's I babysit and their family came over for dinner. They are so rambunctious! They played rock band and they played with our piano. And then cameron found my shoe stash and put on my black heels and walked around. He loves my heels lol.
That boy can walk in anything. Probably better than me...
At my friend's we watched the second harold and kumar... it was interesting to say the least :P It was hilarious as well but there was way more nudity than I would have thought would be in that movie :P I love guy humor in movies though!
I ate so much dinner tonight. We had steak and it was fabulous :3

I am going to go die of overeating... possibly eat some more.... and watch degrassi now :) e

☂i am home and tired

I didn't want to leave. I still don't really want to be home.
oh well

yours,
a dancer.

☂hello world, I was happy today.

Even though my papa is in the hospital and no one knows what is wrong with him, I have been kind of happy today, compared to other days at least. I think it's because I have gotten to be alone with nana. Is it totally horrible to wish your father and his family to leave as soon as possible, even though I wont see them again for like half a year. Yes it is, but it's not like he tries to get to know me either. So whatever.
Me and nana are going into town today to go and see that new julia roberts movie, eat pray love. I am excited. It looks cute. And it is based in a range of beautiful different countries. One of them being India. I would love to go to India someday. Although I suspect that in the movie they are only going to show the pretty and touristy parts, and not the parts of India that are really lived in. And they defiantly wont show the immense poverty.

that is all for now :)

yours,
a dancer. s

☂The Farm

I am here. Finally. At my nana and papa's farm. I thought that once I got here I would feel instantly better, but I don't. I think it's because my nana is sick and my little sister is here, and of course I am sad and not being able to talk to my nana about it is killing me already. My sister leaves tomorrow night. So soon I can, not that I will be able to get up the guts to tell my nana that I am bi... oh I hope I do. I would feel close to her again. She feels so distant because she doesn't know what is happening in my life right now. It's all just crap.
uggg and why does she have to be so darn religious??? I mean what if she's not okay with the whole thing? I mean when I walked into the room with my pajamas on, complete with my "legalize gay" t-shirt, I could feel her eyes on me. And not in a good way. And the fact that she didn't even comment on it made it worse. I mean if she would have asked me if I got it at the gay pride parade (which she knew I was going to) then maybe it would have been different. But she didn't. She didn't say anything. Maybe on some level she knows. I mean I have always been very upfront with my views on homosexuality and marriage and stuff.
The church sucks.

yours,
a dancer.

☂yellow out game

I FINALLY figured out level 27 it was so stupid. I was stuck on it for like a full day. And yes I didn't give up because I want to beat the game that bad! This game is my new addiction. In love with it!
Tomorrow is yet another pool party. Should be interesting.
My nana called this morning and it turns out that i am going to out of the province from the 13th to the 27th. Two whole weeks with my nana = heaven. But I am going to miss my people :) But of course I am bringing my laptop so it wont be like I am completely cut off from the world. It's really strange to think how going away for two weeks in the middle of august really finishes the summer and sucks it up. When I get back there is a few days, one weekend, and then school. Which will be great because then I will get to have all my friends near me all the time haha and I will start up dance and piano again:)))))
I hope I don't miss too much while I am gone!
Just none of you forget about me xD

yours,
a dancer.

☂Everytime

I love it so much at my nana and papa's farm that every time that I come I never want to leave :) It is totally my home.

yours,
a dancer.

☂if only

My house is so stressful right now. I cannot stand it much longer. i feel like I am going to throw up sometimes because I am so worried or stressed about my parents. It is so hard. This week has been horrible. I can usually handle stress. But not this time apparently. I cannot focus. My homework is suffering because of it. I am actually handing in assignments late... it's not like me! I just can't seem to stay on task when there is always a new development. S has started drinking. My mum goes out for coffee often because she cannot handle the pressure either. My body is actually feeling the effects of the stress. I can't eat like I usually do. I am not hungry often. I know I should eat but I do not want to. S lost 15 lbs just this week because she is not eating pretty much anything at all. I am so worried for her. I need a night off. To get away. Just one would be fine. That's all I ask right now. All of the material things I want right now are just to distract me from this all. I am spending money to keep myself happy... it's sad really. None the less I am getting a camera possibly next weekend. I just want to be able to leave the house with the excuse that I am going to go experiment with my camera. I don't wish this never happened... but I do wish it was over with already. I just wanted this summer to be amazing. Because it was supposed to be.

yours,
a dancer.

☂Worried

I hope that she is okay because I do not want you to be sad.

Happy birthday little sister :) Hope it's a great one! although i cannot figure out how old she is!!!!!!!!! She was born in '96 which should mean she is turning 14 but I didn't think that there was any period of time in which I am only a year older than her... I though that there was a period of time where i am two years older and then most of the time three years... hahahahh! I think my math skills are going down the tube now that it is spring break and I am not required to think! I thought she was turning 13. ew.
I called my father's house today to wish my little sister a happy birthday. I took the high road as usual... but no one was home so I told them to call me when they get the time. I hate that my step mother's voice is the one on the answering machine... it annoys me... especially since even on the machine she sounds like she is talking to a child... she always sounds like that. It makes me want to strangle her...

yours,
a dancer.

p.s. janelle says she will pray for her at sunday mass... and i will ask the aliens to protect her. I think we have all the bases covered:)

☂as promised.

I have not talked to my father since christmas. I swear to god that I can count the number of times that I talk to him in a year on two hands. He is my father god dammit! He should call or care or something! I should not have to sit in my room and cry over the fact that I have a father that does not care about me! I hate him so much sometimes. This is one of those night where I feel like calling him and screaming at him until he is crying as much as I am and then hanging up, but I am scared to do this. I know that once he picks up the phone I will melt and fall from my anger and he will go on not knowing how I feel. I don't know how much longer I will be able to hide my feelings from him but one day I am going to let go and all hell will break loose. How can I learn to trust people when I cannot even trust my own father! I am sick of crying over him when he does not deserve it! He is not worth my time! I hate him!
but at the same time I do not hate him. In fact I love him, he is my father how can I not love him. I think it's more accurate to say that I hate that I love him.
I hate that he does not even know who I am or what I love.
I just really need someone really close to me to rant to. I also need someone just to hold me while i cry... sounds cheesy.. but it would be nice to have someone care.

yours,
a dancer.

☂Goodbye Olympics

It was really amazing to see my country come together during these last two weeks. I really loved that there was always something to talk about. Always something to watch on tv. And always something to cheer for. Now that it is over I am going to miss all of that, but I do hope that it does not go away completely.
The closing ceremonies were cool, although not as cool as the opening ones. I liked the bands that performed. I love that we totally showed off all of the amazing Canadian talent tonight. William Shatner <3 haha. And I loved that they zoomed in on patrick chan's face like three times. I can picture jasmin freaking out over him when it happened!
The next winter olympics my little sister will be old enough to enter in. I am really excited for her! I hope that she makes it. It would make my life complete to see her dreams come true like that! I would go to watch of course :)

On a completely other note... Simon and Garfunkel are coming to my city and guess who is going? YES THAT IS ME! I asked susan and it is for sure... we are getting ticketmaster to email when the tickets are about to go on sale. I am soooooo excited! I LOVE simon and garfunkel! It will be sveet!

Well I should be going to bed... I have school tomorrow after all :\

yours,
a dancer.

☂I really hate being a girl somedays:\

And we all know which days these are.... ew
Apparently the only thing that makes the pain go away is hearing the story of little red riding hood in italian while lying on your bed.... or at least that is all that helped me today!

I talked to my little sister on facebook briefly today which was nice... it was mostly just her prying into my social life though :P This is the norm for her though! She "almost" got a boyfriend recently according to her. I never really pictured her as the boyfriend type.... at all. I don't know why.... my youngest sister will definitely be boy crazy though :P She is a little cutie too so I assume that they will also be after her! My sisters are both soooo pretty! They have the really dark hair and light skin and beautiful eyelashes! They will never have to wear any mascara! I wish that I also got this! But I got my father's genes for that not my mother's... and they got my step mother's. Although my sister's do have it ruff because they are heavier set than me and yet WAY more physically fit... so my step mother compares them to me and makes them feel bad.... but I am just a naturally skinny person... so yeah.... I will have to work to keep it that way though! I want to be one of those gorgeous skinny fabulous successful older women when I grow up:) The one with the amazing husband and family, great career, and cute babies ^^ I will not get everything in life that I want... that is a given... but if I could just have an amazing family, I could settle with not being that successful of an architect. I do not want a family for my children like the one that I grew up it. Although I was loved it is not the same when your parents are not together. It's also not the same when your father never calls.......
I wonder when he will call... when he needs something I guess. Maybe my birthday:\ That will be in July. I will keep you posted.... whoever the you is that actually reads this.

yours,
a dancer.

☂curious to know...

I am curious to know if certain people will continue to read my blog -_-

This is day 1983075987987................ of not talking to my father..... he never calls.
I did talk to my nana the other day though so that is good :)
I hope that my sister is holding up... and that she is not being used as a therapist for my step mother still... because that is how she treats her. That is just wrong.

Why is it that we must always have someone to blame? No one ever takes responsibility for their actions. My step mother blames my littler sister for taking things away from her siblings because her skiing costs so much. She has one dream... you cannot blame her for that. She wants to go to the Olympics. And she is good. Really good. She wants to go for skiing and if she is properly supported by her parents she will make it. I know she has it in her. She has god damn letters taped to her wall in her room that she wrote to herself promising herself that she will make it to the Olympics. And my step mother makes her feel like her dream is stupid and that it is taking away from her other siblings. But it is the one and only thing that she wants in life... so why can't you just let her dream and work for it. Because she works for it everyday of her life. She keeps up with her school work and she goes above and beyond to get it done so that she can take the time she needs off of school to race. She has more determination than I could ever have. I mean sure... I could have been a great dancer if we had the money... but I would have also needed a heck of a lot more determination. I would love to be an amazing dancer. To dance for a living... it would be amazing. I would love it. But I am not willing to give up so much of the life that I would also like to have to support it. I want to be able to go out with my friends on the weekends. I want to be able to settle down somewhere, "home", and not be traveling all the time for dance. But my sister... she is willing to give up all of those things... she has no dreams of getting married and families and those things like I do. She dreams of coming across the finish line first and everyone screaming her name. She dreams of the adrenaline rushing through her body as she nails a ski run and wins gold for Canada. She does not deserve the guilt of wanting a dream so beautiful.

yours,
a dancer.

☂oh nana!

My Nana was on msn today so I said hello. She found out I have facebook and went on a rant about hackers selling my information to stalkers LOL
But that makes her sounds like a paranoid old woman hehe. Which she is totally not! She was strangely sarcastic today. It was amusing.
Example:
-talking about how I have school off tomorrow because of Louis Riel Day:
      Nana: Louie Riel, bloody hell, that's a french thing
hahahhahahha <3

-they are going to the mountains to visit my dad's family:
     Nana: we won't ski though, Papa might break somthing

-talking about trying sushi:
    Nana: I don't have too, I am over 60 and can eat or not eat what I please

I think I love her even more:P If that is possible!

Goodnight!

p.s. dracula is on and it's valentines day... there is something wrong with that!

yours,
a dancer.