the triggers are everywhere. 

Out Grown?

I don't come onto this blog much anymore. I'm not sure if it is because I am too lazy to write down my thoughts, tumblr is much more interesting, or I have just simply outgrown the need to put my angsty thoughts onto the world wide web. I feel a sort of obligation to this blog, however, because I have had it for at least four years now, if not more, and there is a lot of my life contained in this webpage.

I have been doing a shit ton of artwork as of late, though. I think maybe that is how I've learned to cope with all of my feelings, because those are still wild and out of control as usual.
I do want to write more, possibly only for myself though.

I have decided to go into journalism, which is strange because I've never been massively into creative writing and the such, but I need a career in which to express myself. Hence journalism, most likely photo journalism though, if I can find my niche in that specific specialty. Maybe writing my random and fleeting thoughts down on paper will help me develop some sort of style and voice in my writing. I guess I am saying that I am a little lost in what I want to do with my life, vs. what I actually think I am good at. I was told today by a friend that I am a good writer. Literally the first time anyone has ever said such a thing to me, and yet I am already accepted into the faculty of journalism at my local university. Skill level really hasn't been on my mind until recently. I'm terrified that I won't make the cut when it is time to go out into the world and actually write about things that I am passionate about.
I have such big dreams. They feel a little over my head actually.
            somewhere
                                            really
                                                                      far
                                                                                         from my grasp.

So maybe I should write more of my thoughts here, it is a good place to do such things, a blog. Sounds so juvenile, but that is still acceptable as I am only 17, and my thoughts are alike in this juvenile nature.


In a sea of people who seem to be so creative in their writing, where does a person like me belong?

Work that much harder, I must. 

looking up

So my friends are pretty amazing. All of them. They are so there for me.
I am off to Edmonton on Friday for the entire winter holidays and I will miss everyone so much!
There is a certain someone I am quite crazy about at the moment and I will miss her as well :)
I really hope I don't scare her away...
We'll see what happens I guess.

I missed the feeling. Happy. 

Got a tattoo!

So I've officially been inked.... ow first of all!
But I can't wait to see it all healed :)
It's a moon
for my mum
like i described before.
I'm really tired, it was stressful!
nap time xD 

thank god

Pretty much exactly 12 hours later my term paper is emailed to my teacher. 6 pages of brilliant crappy essay-ness. I actually think it's quite terrible, but mostly because of the subject matter. It cannot be helped now.
Now I must focus on the 19243492074238 other things I must accomplish before the christmas break. 9 more days of school, how is it possible to have so much to do?!?!

term paper

I have to write my entire english term paper today since I left it to the last minute :D I'm super smart sometimes.

I've had this thrill so many times...

I really don't know what to trust right now. My feelings that are taking over my brain, or my brain that tells me to talk everything out with everyone involved... bleh

oh dear

Feelings are much too complicated. They always come about at the most inopportune times and for the most inconvenient people. Apparently sometimes more than one person.
So many thoughts to sort. 

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

It's like I have forgotten how to be happy. And it's nothing to do with anyone else, it's me. Literally the only time I don't feel like I'm sleeping through my life or inside my own sad world is when I am painting alone in my room. And even that gets lonely.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel over dramatic. And I hate to complain to my friends. I hate to talk about it in general. 

well spoken

This kid, Graeme Taylor, is so incredibly well spoken and just an amazing person over all! We need more people like this in the world.

emptiness

I need something healthier to fill my empty spaces. I have more of them that I used to and my motivation to actually actively live my life is gone. I sleep a lot. I make bad choices. I have emotional extremes. 

Tattoos vol.2 :P

I went for a consult for my tattoo that i was going to get in memory of el salvador and my mission trip but what I wanted to get is physically impossible if I want the tattoo to last... soooo. My mum and I have decided to get a mother daughter tattoo. It's going to be really awesome :) She is going to get "to the moon and back" on her arm because we used to always say i love you to the moon and back when i was little. And I am going to get a realistic image of the moon in between my shoulder blades. I really love the idea because I know that I am never going to regret a tattoo that represents my mum and it will be in a hidden area for the most part. So it's great :D We just have to go in and book it soon. I will probably get it when I get back from Edmonton over xmas. We will see how it all works out.

Release

I need to release some stress tomorrow and this weekend. I am starting to feel it in my body as well as in my mind. I can't dance as well, I ache, I feel nauseous on and off, and I am just so tired. It's really not a good thing to be this stressed for this long. It's really tough on my body. 

WE DAY

WE DAY TOMORROW!!! I am really excited :D 

90210

If Ivy cheats on Raj with that photography dude, I will die a little bit inside. 

you'd think...

You'd think that you would learn to not wear the underwear that makes you feel really cute when you're on your period. God always gets a good laugh out of it in the end -_- 

I need to re-watch these xD

i love you mum but...

Why must you be so very insistent on me staying here for university???? You wont even give my arguments a chance. Universities here don't offer the programs I need.... Unless I get an undergrad in something that is closely related and then specialize at a different university somewhere else, but that means a lot more schooling than is necessary! gahhhhhh
I really don't even care about going away anymore. I am really comfortable with the idea of staying. I just will not give up what I want to do because I cannot find anything here that will get me there. 

i dont know

Sometimes I just open this page up and stare at the blank-ness of the page, I don't know how to put some of the things inside of me into words. Even if it's not that important or if it's really important to say out loud, or write.
Sometimes I think that my blog is a little bit of a security blanket for me. I've had it for years and for years I have told it things I would never say to people. Somehow the thought of people reading my thoughts doesn't scare me as much as me having to say them. It's really no different. The point is still there, the words are still true. 

alhdkfhadklajd

SO MUCH GREATNESS IN ONE SONG <3