i love you mum but...

Why must you be so very insistent on me staying here for university???? You wont even give my arguments a chance. Universities here don't offer the programs I need.... Unless I get an undergrad in something that is closely related and then specialize at a different university somewhere else, but that means a lot more schooling than is necessary! gahhhhhh
I really don't even care about going away anymore. I am really comfortable with the idea of staying. I just will not give up what I want to do because I cannot find anything here that will get me there. 

home is not where the heart is

I have never felt so out of place in my own home as I have been feeling these past two days. I am trying to not be so dramatic about the way I have been feeling. I have been trying to be grateful for all the wonderful things I have here. I have a beautiful house in a middle class neighbourhood filled with thousands of things. I should be happy to be home, to see my friends and my family, but I can't get past the feeling that I do not belong here. I don't know who to talk to that will understand. Everything around me feels wrong. I miss El Salvador. I miss its smell, its noises, its people, and just the general feeling that that is where I need to be. When I was there I never thought about what it would be like to come home. I thought somehow that if I ignored the fact that I had to eventually go home that the reality would go away and I would be able to remain in El Salvador forever. I feel so stupid for being so depressed about being home. I don't know if anyone else feels like I'm feeling right now. I hope they are dealing with it better for their sakes, but for mine I greedily wish they were struggling like me. Maybe once I get to talk to someone out loud about all the things I saw and all the things I am feeling, maybe then I will be able to just cope with the fact that I feel like a part of me was stolen in El Salvador.
Two nights ago I told my mother that on the trip I felt like I have had more of a father in Dennis than I have had in my entire life. I miss that feeling. Something about a man caring about you who has no alterior motives, just that he cares about you and wants you to be okay and isn't afraid to show that he cares is the best feeling in the world. I miss our family unit with all the girls and Dennis and Zonnie, as strange as that sounds.
I didn't think that I would feel this ache inside of me when I got home, but it wont go away. I feel so lost.
If someone were to come up to me and be like 'just kidding, this is all a dream you are in El Salvador still' I would want to believe them so much. I wake up in the morning having forgotten that I am not and when I open my eyes I immediately am saddened.
Why can't I just be happy that I had a life changing, fantastic, beautiful experience and accept it as such? Why can't I just move on?

☂talking

Talking with my friends seems to really help me when I get into my own world like I do so often. I start to think everything is either a disaster or all candy and butterflies but they seem to bring me down to earth. Like last night, I talked with a friend of mine about my expectations for the future. And I came to the realization that bad things could happen or good things could happen where as before I was really only thinking of the good. I realized that I need to not build up such high expectations of the people and the events in my life and that I should just take it for what it is. Not to work myself into a frenzy before everything of importance happens. Be ready for the negative and the positive but don't over think either sides.

yours,
a dancer.

☂Joan Jett is my new favorite person

I just watched The Runaways and it was a really great movie. I loved it. It made me feel really insignificant in the world and so useless. Joan Jett and her band started out when they were 15 and they toured around the states and asia. They were huge and they were the first of their kind. An all girls band of rock and roll. I feel like I should be out there doing amazing things like them at my age but what is there for me to do?
I didn't expect to love kristen stewart in this movie but i really did. I think she was great for the role and also that joan jett was an awesomely, crazy, stoner, lesbian. She is like my new idol! Minus the stoner part, I can do without that for sure! haha

I am pretty sure this whole post is like ADD but my thoughts are all over the place right now!
And this all started because i had watched my 72 minutes of 90210 on megavideo and wanted something else to watch :P

yours,
a dancer.

☂as promised.

I have not talked to my father since christmas. I swear to god that I can count the number of times that I talk to him in a year on two hands. He is my father god dammit! He should call or care or something! I should not have to sit in my room and cry over the fact that I have a father that does not care about me! I hate him so much sometimes. This is one of those night where I feel like calling him and screaming at him until he is crying as much as I am and then hanging up, but I am scared to do this. I know that once he picks up the phone I will melt and fall from my anger and he will go on not knowing how I feel. I don't know how much longer I will be able to hide my feelings from him but one day I am going to let go and all hell will break loose. How can I learn to trust people when I cannot even trust my own father! I am sick of crying over him when he does not deserve it! He is not worth my time! I hate him!
but at the same time I do not hate him. In fact I love him, he is my father how can I not love him. I think it's more accurate to say that I hate that I love him.
I hate that he does not even know who I am or what I love.
I just really need someone really close to me to rant to. I also need someone just to hold me while i cry... sounds cheesy.. but it would be nice to have someone care.

yours,
a dancer.

☂EMOTIONAL ROLLER-COASTER!

My day went from a normal day to a little better, to amazing, to sad, to physically ill because of all these fucked up emotions, to meh again... good thing I have amazing friends or I would still be at the fucked up emotions stage.
I am so jealous of someone I have never met... what is wrong with me... it is irrational.. and stupid... and I don't even think I am jealous.. but then i see a picture and I hate her... it is all stupid. I know that the way I feel is not stupid... there is a reason I feel this way, but I really should not feel this way... it is childish. And selfish.... even though I am jealous though I feel sorry for her also.

So basically this is how I feel at this moment... but there is nothing to worry about... it's no big deal.... I am fine :) really.

I skipped dance tonight because I was physically ill.

yours,
a dancer.