☂Diaries

Obviously I don't really need a diary since I have a blog. The new age diary I guess. But I used to have a diary. I had many through my junior high days, and during the move, I found them. I have been reading them a little bit and wow those were some though years. But at the same time god I was stupid and cute! haha
There are some quite embarrassing things in there. Like "I love _____" and so on. haha I was a dumbass. Too boy (and girl although I didn't realize it at that time) focused at such a young age. The move to this city was not really a good thing for me at first. If I had not come to the private all girls school that I go to now I would have gotten into a lot of trouble. It is interesting as I read my diaries to see how fast I changed from the innocent little girl with pinktails from a different city, to the girl who changed herself for people so often and did nothing but try and please people and get some friends. I suddenly liked boys and followed girls around. At first I had friends but I didn't know how to be equally bitchy as them in order to keep them. And then suddenly I was more bitchy than them and they all hated me. ohhh good times.

Anyways, kyra will be here in an hour and my hair looks like I got ran over by a bus.

yours,
a dancer.

☂blast from the past

I found some of my old baby pictures and I scanned some of the really cute ones into my computer.

me and my mum

me ridiculously dressed!

attacked by stuffed things!

the cats definitely thought i was furniture...

i had a huge fish. definition of awesome.

why did we not keep this awesome sand turtle!?

me wearing my mum's bra lol

stuffing my face as per usual

my favorite picture of me and my mum :)

my nana, me and my papa at the lake i love :)

Just some memories to share with you!

yours,
a dancer.

☂a day in the life of a total bitch

So basically I am the total bitch I speak of. I liked a guy, still kind of do, found potential in another guy, went out with him once kind of, not really a date. And then someone who I have liked for a while I find out likes me, and really these two boys i don't care nearly as much for as I do this other person. I wish I didn't hurt them but with either of the boys i was never official or anything but still. I led them on only to cut them off.
But I need to not be afraid to tell them I can't be with them because I want to be with this certain person. this person is to say the least, amazing.
this person is the most beautiful person and is super sweet. They are a little afraid of the whole situation but I have promised that we wont tell people until this person is good and ready. I really can't believe that it is happening though... I have been dreaming of this for god knows how long. I just wish I didn't hurt so many people in the process.

yours,
a dancer.

☂Mistakes

I am so busy making mistakes lately that I have hurt almost everyone in my life that I love in the last two weeks. I seem to be pushing everyone away. That is why I have to patch things up. I have to fix everything and apologize to all of you who I hurt in these last few weeks. I have been selfish and inconsiderate. I have let my fear control my actions and I have forgotten what and who is really important to me. I have been trying so hard to make my life "easy" again that I have forgotten that that is not possible and this is the life that I chose, and the life that I want. But just because I want it does not mean that I am not terrified of it.
I am sorry.

yours,
a dancer.

☂artsy

I just got back from this exhibit the environmental design first year students put on at the university and it was really quite cool! It was all types of architecture and design but since it was first year it was not the boring models of buildings like I thought it would be. It was interactive art. I loved the atmosphere and if S didn't go with me I probably would have stayed longer and talked with the designers about their projects. The people there are my kind of people. They are all mac, artsy, stylish, and crazy about art. It makes me happy. It makes me really itch to go to university whenever I visit there. I would love to go to an exhibit put on by the fine art students. After me and S were walking back to the car and we were talking about my future and what I wanted to do with my life. She is so hard to be around sometimes especially when I am talking about my future because I want to be the starving artist type that creates beautiful things and maybe work in photography for a magazine or something cool like that but she says that I must choose something that will actually give me a living and to be realistic, but if it is something that I am willing to work for then it could be possible. I mean yes I will have to choose a back up plan. Possibly go into something that I am only half happy with so that I have something to fall back on, but my first choice is art. Anything and everything related to it.
I have no idea what I would like to do with my future and right now that is okay because I am only 15 (16 very very soon!) and I have time to figure this all out. I will probably change my mind about a million times before I figure it out but lots of people don't figure it out until university. So I think I am doing fine :)

On sunday I am going shopping with janelle and adriana for new summer clothes because I hate everything I own pretty much. I mean some of it I can work with but I need some new stuff. And i need new bras and underwear ^^ I love bra shopping haha
I am strange
i know
:D

yours,
a dancer.

☂hello again

I guess I am having a blog spam now^^

Our grade went to this career symposium on wednesday and we learned about different universities and different careers. You pretty much had the whole day to yourself to explore the whole thing and so we all went our separate ways. There were of course other schools there as well. I chose to go to an architecture lecture. It was an hour long and not very good. It really put me off of architecture. I do not want to become one anymore. I told my parents this and they took it better than I thought they would.
To become an architect you must get a master's degree. It is eight years of university and I am not willing to go through that much schooling for something that I do not LOVE without doubt. And I do not love it that much. It was just something that I got into my head to half please my parents and half please me. I want to go into something in fine arts and I always have but of course my parents would not like that very much since they are sending me to this fancy private school to get a good education so that I can have a successful career, but this is not my main concern in life. I just want a good family:) and to be able to do my art. I know that I could never live off of just being an artist and selling my work but I am thinking that I might possibly like to become a graphic designer or an animator for something like pixar! I do not really know what I want to be anymore but I am sure I will figure it out sooner or later! All I know for sure is that it will not be related to science, or law. :D

I guess I should maybe go to sleep now though because it is 12 pm here now.

yours,
a dancer.

☂mum?

I just spent about an hour next door playing with the little boys that I babysit every once and a while. We were invited over just to see the oldest's (he is three) newly painted room. It is bright shocking orange. It is fabulous! He is such a cutie too because he asks me to tickle him over and over again and then screams and runs away when I finally do. The youngest is my soft spot though :3 He is a little over one and is just learning how to speak. He is the blondest little boy I have ever seen! And he has blue blue eyes, both of the boys have blue eyes. And he does the "happy feet" dance as they call it ^^ He just kind of jumps around and stamps his feet like on the movie happy feet, but it is adorable. The older one like to "river dance" and he pretends he is one of the scottish girls who highland dances, also very cute.

I got married tonight. To the oldest of the two boys hahahhah It was cute because he was the bride and wore a pretty dress and his mum's heels and I was the groom. He even told me to wait for him as he walked around and then I had to give him a hug and a kiss... we had to repeat this process more than once because I did not hug the right way. He was a very particular bride :P

These two boys just make my uterus skip a beat <3 I want kids like them:) Hopefully I will not totally mess my own children up! I also wish that I could have blonde kids but with my brown hair those chances are slim... especially if I end up marrying someone who also has dark hair :P Which I think might be the case.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I have a sleepover and we are going shopping quite early in the morning :\ I have to get up at 8 in order to go shopping! gahhhhh IT IS SPRING BREAK! Oh well... I guess it is the price I pay for wanting food in the house...

yours,
a dancer.

☂Secrets

I am horrible at keeping my own secrets... I cannot lie. But if you tell me something I can keep it to the end! Why is it so hard for me to keep my own things to myself?

yours,
a dancer.

☂Yes Man

I got bored yet again and watched another movie... I had already seen the beginning of Yes Man but I never got to finish it. I love Zooey Deschanel:) She makes me happy. Her whole style and her music is amazing. And she is beautiful! The movie itself was predictable... as most romantic comedies are. But it was cute. I liked it.

It is 10 pm now... I could probably go to sleep and that would end my boredom... but I do not feel like sleeping yet... it is a problem.
I am missing SNL this week because I do not have a TV to myself and my parents do not like the show... I will not have a TV to myself for about a month... maybe longer. It depends. We are dry-walling our basement so all of the furniture has to be moved upstairs. Even my mothers bed... it is going in the dining room.... haha... it is right in front of the window:P I would not be able to sleep! I would feel like people were watching me the whole night! I cannot handle the feeling of people watching me... That is why I cannot sleep with my door open. Even if it does get too hot in my room sometimes... that door is staying shut!
I am really rambling on about nothing in particular... no one really cares what I have to say about my bedroom door haha! But at least it keeps me occupied... and not deathly bored.

I hate how the whole quality of my day can depend on one person... and it's not even their fault... it's mine. I am so needy :\ And clingy... And kind of annoying sometimes... why do people like me haha! I have too many faults it seems sometimes... all I know is that whoever I end up marrying should know that I am super clingy... and kind of high maintenance... sometimes. And when I am tired I get super stupid and annoying and hyper. Which can sometimes be hilarious... but most of the time... it's just not. I also kind of have obsessive compulsive disorder... not actually diagnosed or anything... but we think my mother has it too... she is worse though... but my notes.. oh my notes ahaha. They are so perfect and all written in purple... I love the colour purple. I also have to be right 99% of the time. I hate being wrong... only problem is that I am wrong a lot... I just dont admit it even though I know I am... I will argue until the person is pissed off and looks it up and I feel like an idiot because they are right... and they proved it. I hate that feeling...
I will stop pointing out my flaws... there are too many.... and this could get long. haha

I post a lot when I am bored...

yours,
a dancer.

☂I am

I am silly

I am sarcastic

I am a girl (on my way to woman... not quite there yet)

I am in love with books

I am a dancer (if you have not yet guessed)

I am not an only child

I am happy with my great friends (near and far)

I am an artist

I am a dreamer

I am clumsy

I am impatient with turning 18

I am always smiling... even when i am sad.

I am quiet when something is on my mind

I am loud when i am around people

I am not someone who talks to themselves... except when i am asleep apparently

I am a food lover

I am going to see the world

I am never tired of meeting new people

I am shy around new people

I am in love with music

I am sad when people pull away from my many hugs and kisses

I am someone who will turn bright red in many different circumstances

I am ticklish..

I am a blogger!

I am someone who loves foreign people! (accents are so hot)

I am self conscious

This is me ^^

yours,

a dancer.

☂It's just... me

I have no posted for a while about my life... I mean how I grew up... not the bad times... if you would like to hear me complain about my father then you can look it up from earlier posts.
Well, I first met my dad when I was 5, which many of you know... but some do not so I thought I would tell you again! It was in a Dairy Queen and I was really happy. I don't think I really understood what was going on completely but I was only little. I met my sisters after that (my brother was not yet born) and my step mother (ew... she is not nice at all). They lived in a little house on the other side of the city from our house and I went there every second weekend and all holidays. That is why I only remember about two christmas' with my mother. With my father also came my Nana and Papa <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 They are the most amazing people in the world and are the real reason that I go out to see my dad's side of the family at christmas. They live on a farm and I remember every summer we used to go out there and play with the baby kittens and the cows. We also went to the lake for a week every summer with them... but no parents were aloud. I have some amazing memories from those trips :) I miss them, but eventually we did not have as much fun going as we used to because our friends had stopped going... so we do not go anymore.
Growing up I had one good friend... looking back she wasn't the greatest, but I thought that she was because she was the only one I had. Me and her spent every weekend that I was at my mother's house hanging out at her house. I remember that her parents were really into riding harley davidsons. They were typical bikers with this little daughter and me tagging along with them... it was quite ridiculous!
One of my best friends was much older than me (but that is usually the case... I get along with people older than me much easier than people my own age). She was my sisters' and brother's nanny. Me and her would talk for hours and I would help her with the chores while my siblings would play outside. We just understood each other. We were able to complain about my step mother together and to make jokes that the younger children did not understand. I miss her now. I have her on facebook haha. But we do not talk really. She moved away also, so I never see her even when i go to visit my father's family. She is the one who taught me to play the card game speed ( LOVE IT!!!). I can beat you all! No most likely not... but I love it still.
We moved around a lot which made it really hard to make friends... I was always the new girl... At least now we have settled down. Blocking out all of the bad memories and just saying the good really makes my life sound easy and happy. It was sometimes... but a lot of the time it was not.

yours,
a dancer.

☂the multiple personalities of a teenage mind

                                                                          flickr

- loud with angst ridden jokes.
- shy and modest
- boastful and playful
- slut
- lover
- creative but unoriginal
- jealous
- follower
- struggler
- smallest person in the room
- responsible child
- mature
- masked
- lost trying to find what qualities make a lovable woman
- academic
- dancer
- computer junky
- book worm

yours,
a dancer.

☂Cancer.

One of my favorite aunts has cancer. It is pretty serious apparently. I haven't seen her since xmas. She is having an operation on the 22. Please keep her in your thoughts. Our family is pretty cuffufled about it. My cousin is takin it pretty hard I think. I hope he is ok:)
<3 he is the cousin I used to hang out with all of the time whenever I was at my nana and papa's farm. We used to go on his trampoline and hang out with his friends around the street. I have some awesome memories with him. One time I did his newspaper route with him. It was fun. I mean all we did was go house to house but I enjoyed spending time with him. We were pretty close. He is one of the reasons that I started dancing. I mean I have never actually seen him dance strangely enough, but the fact that he did it made me want to. I kind of looked up to him. The 4 years between us made him seem like some sort of big kid god when we were little. haha. we were so funny.

My thoughts go out to all those who have cancer and their families.

yours,
a dancer.

☂summer camp.

The thing I talked about quite a bit during school. It is this sunday! I am very excited to meet some new people! I have no clue what to pack... I have to start that tomorrow. And get the cot ready! I would do it all last minute on saturday but me and jeremy are hanging out:). It should be fun!
I can't wait to meet the new people! They are coming from all over canada and the states. I wonder if some of them will have funny accents. haha. I wonder why they would pick the first year of this to be here of all places? I mean it's boring. They could have had it in like new york! I would have loved to go to new york. Although if it was I probably wouldn't have been allowed to go since money is tight right now. The whole thing is going to be a party with ms. m. and a, k, and s. haha. I have to remember to pack my camera! It will be so creepy sleeping at the school... I hope people don't get into ghost stories... those things scare the shit outta me:S
We are volunteering at a home for the disabled for the camp. It should be interesting. I wonder if we will meet any morries as it were. I would love that. Although I would greatly prefer if he/she was not dieing. Just someone to share their worldly knowledge with me:)

For this school year I am going to try and get a position volunteering at a care home of sorts. I really hope that the one I want to go to is close to my house. Because if it's not then I can't go to it:( It is the jewish care home... it would be amazing haha. I think it would be a great thing for me to do. Maybe I could finally find myself in terms of religion. I believe in something. I just don't know what that is yet.
I don't know enough about myself or about the religions of the world to decide on one yet. I think that people who expect their children to be automatically what they are in their religion are unreasonable. I think that everyone should be educated in the prominent religions in the world so that they can make a decision for themselves. I mean I would love for my children to choose my religion, but they should be able to decide. I just don't want my children to feel as lost as I am when it comes to this. It is a part of me that I feel I need to find but it is lost right now.

yours,
a dancer.

☂guess who cause i don't know

There are so many things about myself that I want to change. Not really physically... although there are a couple of those, but about who I am. I mean I am incapable of getting too close to people. I maintain the appearance that I am close to them, when really I am hiding most of myself from them. I am so scared to trust people that I never love them. Not like I used to. I used to love all of my friends and wear my heart on my sleeve with them. I got burnt one too many times and now, that heart that was once on my sleeve is buried so deep I can't find it. Not even for the people who I know deserve it. I mean secrets and stuff, all that is good. I mean I don't care if people know them. I trust my friends in that way. But I guess I don't trust them in the way that I can't keep them close to me. I always push them away some way or another. All in different and subtle ways of course. But they are pushed away none the less. I want to keep the friends I have now. They are all amazing people. And I really want to let them in.
I need to be woken up.

yours,
a dancer.

☂Once

I finally got around to watching Once. In fact I bought it... along with the soundtrack. I LOVED it! It was amazing. I will most likely watch that movie over and over again! I mean it's so real! They are perfect for each other and yet they know what is best for everyone else and so they don't get together. Or that's how I interpreted it at least. I can't imagine being that passionate about something. For them it was music. I can't sing or play an instrument. I wish I could do both. Singing especially. I have always wanted to be able to sing. It would be amazing!
It's so raw. I wish I could be less fake. haha how more real can you get then life you would think... i guess sometimes it takes something that is fake to make us realize what is real. I have no clue what is real in my life. I love and am loved but by very few... truely that is. Not many know me. what i think about. most don't actually.
i think there are some things I need to clear up. I need to be stronger that is for sure. gawd i have weaknesses that are hard to resist.

I would highly recommend the soundtrack! It is amazing. AMAZING. haha

yours,
a dancer.

☂time flies what you aren't watching it.

It seems like just yesterday that we were all scared little girls wearing our skirts too long and our ties in just the right way. Times have definitely changed since then. Not only are we rolling our skirts and most likely not wearing a tie at all we are also changed people, or I guess you could almost say women. Although the teachers have not taken to this word, they are more familiar with the terms "ladies," we still use it. We are only 15, well most of us that is, but age does not always bring maturity. Some maturity is gained by something as simple as an amazing school. Many will argue that other schools have better programs, or have a higher level of education, but sometimes that's not the only thing you should be looking for. Sometimes you also need something to belong to and to be recognized with. Our school makes us all a people that stick together. My mother calls it a sisterhood. Which it could be called.

Today we are changed. We go into grade 10 next year and although we are not done yet, we are half way there. 

I know that I was a different person before this school. I was the person that I hate most. A bully and a "loner". I came to the school afraid and broken, not knowing anyone. I immediately made friends, one in particular that I was especially close to. I still wasn't the coolest but at least I was acknowledged. Still I was not completely happy. I was at least content though. I did have a few problems with people in the first two years. Rumors, fights, the usual high school drama. It wasn't until this year that there was no drama to be too concerned with, and all of my friends accepted me. I was myself, on some levels, not with everyone of course but with more than I have ever been with before. 

People actually liking me is still kind of a new thing to me. I am always waiting for them to turn on me. It's probably why they sometimes do. I push them away. I am not very good at letting people get close to me because of how often I let that happen and got hurt as a result. But I am trying to change that. I have told more than one person things about myself I never imagined telling people a few years ago. And I trust them with the information. What surprised me even more is that it didn't even matter all that much to them. I mean even when I told people that my mother is gay it was huge for me but was pretty much irrelevant to them. It didn't change who my friends are at all. I am happy for that because that just tells me that I have picked my friends wisely.

I don't know what will happen next year. Maybe I am due for some more drama. Better not to jinx it though. 

I really can't believe that in 3 years we will all be off to university, well those who choose that path. We will once again be the noobs on campus and we will yet again have to learn a new way of life. Some will like it better and some will wish for the past. All I know is that I am scared for it and incredibly excited for it all at the same time! I am probably going to go to the local university but I really don't want to. My mother wouldn't be able to afford anything else without me getting a huge scholarship so I will be working hard to get one. As well as trying not to be too disappointed if my only choice is the local university. I really want to go somewhere ivy league. Preferably somewhere not in Canada. Something like Yale, Harvard, OR OXFORD! Which has been me dream since I was very young. Well mostly my dream revolved around getting out of the americanized world and experiencing something new. Seeing different cultures and living like them. Not staying in huge hotels that seclude you the the pretty exterior of the world. I need an adventure! i decided to write this because I was bored and because I haven't written about myself like this in a while, when I used to do it all the time. yours, a dancer.

☂Describe yourself...

Describe yourself as you are alone. your true self in four words... (mine) 1. Scared 2. Cautious 3. Emotional 4. Philosophical Describe yourself as you would like to be in four words.... 1. Strong 2. Fit 3. Loved 4. Truthful Describe how other people see you in four words... 1. Loud 2. Immature 3. Happy 4. Strong I want to see you guys' too! post them as comments! ( or old men:P) yours, a dancer.

☂truth

how many people actually tell the truth?

I don't think there are many. 

People may speak the truth but not be truthful in what they do and how they do it. I know that I tell the truth. When asked the right questions of course. But I do not in my actions. There is only one person in the whole world who I am my complete self with and I trust with any secret I could possibly have. When I am with her I am who I want to be. And she is definitely stronger than me so she keeps me in line when I slip up with her disappointed looks. With most of my friends I am too loud, talk about boys too much. I was always the follower with my friends. But I am not anymore. I can say no when I need to and i dunno. I have the best group of friends ever. I am also afraid of losing them though because they are not really a part of my other group of friends and they don't really approve of some of the things they do. And some of the things I say. I don't want to loose them but I also want to keep the friends that they don't approve of sometimes. They all like each other. So that's all good. But sometimes I feel like if I say something to make one group laugh the other group will not like it. Or if I say something that is really me, the other group will think I am a total loser. Which I am. And I am proud of it! I don't give a shit that it is not cool that I have never been kissed. I want my first to mean something. It is something that is important to me. I also don't want to have sex until I fall in love. I don't care how long that takes. One night stands are not ever going to happen. And I don't care if I am in University and everyone else is doing it. 

The only problem is I am extremely competitive and this mostly applies to one particular friend... you know who you are. She is quite competitive too:S 

God I have no clue who I am.

yours,

a dancer.

☂blogs

the only thing that i really don't like about blogs is that you can never be sure if a friend is talking about you in their post or not. Unless it is really obvious. but most people are really good at not saying too much.

i am worried.

i hate that people find me annoying. when i am not trying to be. I am just loud and outspoken! and sometimes a little creepy. 

and actually really modest when i am being serious. people tell me i look good i either sarcastically say "ino right!" or i say no i don't. even though most of the time i am thinking that i don't so i use humor to not bum ut everyone all the time. even though i still do that quite often. i don't think that anyone really knows me. the me that's inside that is. because i am actually so shy! and i care what people think a great deal actually. i am sad way more often than i appear. using excessive humor is usually a sign that i am hiding something or sad about something.

Omg a little aside.! priviledged just made reference to Boo radely!

well anyways!

yours,

a dancer.